Things People Say: Adoption Volume 1

I know that when the timing is right the baby will come and that the baby we get will be exactly perfect for us. I *know* that. But…

It doesn’t make the waiting easy.
It doesn’t take away the disappointment of not being chosen.
It doesn’t make us less hopeful that this baby is the one.

Please don’t tell me that things happen for a reason, that it’s all going to work out, and that when we do get our baby, we’ll be glad this is the baby we got. Or are you seriously worried  there’s a chance that when the baby comes I’ll look at it and say, “Meh. I guess he’s okay. I bet that baby I almost got three months ago would have been way more awesome though.”

When Great Expectations Just Aren’t That Great

As a manager, I have always felt that high expectations are a gift. If I didn’t believe in my teammates, I wouldn’t expect great things from them. They could phone it in and that would be enough. But I know they are capable of greatness and I think my belief in them encourages them to push a little harder and be a little better. If I expected less, it would be insulting. It would serve as a statement that I just don’t think they’re worth it.

How do you know when expectations are too high though? What happens when you put someone up on such a high pedestal they can never be what you expect?

Not long ago I was hanging with a friend who acknowledged that he knew my relationship with a mutual acquaintance was negative. He asked why if I didn’t care for the person it had to be an issue? Why not just move on with my life and never encounter the acquaintance? There was no reason for me to feel dislike; I could just feel nothing.

At the time, it stunned me a little. I didn’t have a good answer and I wondered why it mattered to me. Why couldn’t I just chalk this up to mis-matched personalities and move on? There wasn’t anything all that offensive about my acquaintance and truthfully, my first impression had been so positive. I believed I found a professional role model and eventually, I came to think this was also a good friend. It was someone I turned to for career advice, to test a new idea, or to vent about frustrations I encountered in a typical day.

What was wrong with me that I could go from total respect and admiration to feeling critical and uncomfortable? I had spent over a year admiring this individual from a distance- loving the writing, the ideas, the personae. In time, I came to know this person better and to see this person’s humanity. For most, this would be relationship-building. It would have been the foundation for a transition from distant admiration to true friendship. Learning about this person’s imperfections could have built intimacy. I could have seen these “flaws” as the character-building traits that provided the brilliance and insight for which I had previously reserved a position high on a pedestal. Instead, those flaws became a reason to completely disengage, to avoid, and to build distance. I took what could have been a growth experience and I walked away.

At my best, I love easily and unconditionally. I make friends with cab drivers and strangers at restaurants. I am energized by meeting people. I enjoy new experiences solely for the opportunity to encounter new people. As someone so amazed by others, it’s not hard to believe that it takes a lot for me to give up on a  relationship. I keep in touch. I reach out. I don’t let others go.

Except when I do.

Months of wondering what the letting go is about led me to notice a trend. The relationships I abandon are always with people I admired from a distance, who I looked up to, who I expected the very best from and who turned out to be human: The girl I wanted to be on the first semester of college; the ex-boyfriend I thought would bring a new level of excitement and stability to me; the employee I was sure would raise the whole department to a new level of  innovation.

When these people did not meet my expectations, I took it personally. I couldn’t see that they weren’t breaking promises to me; they were just being themselves.W

Being able to always see the best in others is a gift, but projecting unrealistic expectations and then being hurt when those go unmet is at least as damaging as expecting too little in the first place. I can and will still believe in the very best in people, but I am newly committed to seeing the best present itself in a way that might not be exactly what I expect. I hope that someday I’ll even get to the point where I find the greatest beauty lies in the unexpected truths I learn about others.